So I know I’m in danger of making this A! Big! Deal!, and that’s not what I intend. But this blog is sort of a pensieve for me, and sometimes I just need to dump my thoughts and feelings out so they’re not simply swirling around in my head and driving me absolutely nuts.
I go back and forth between being philosophical and even seeing the humor in my parents’ reaction to my decision, to feeling devastated that they didn’t even once ask me if I was happy. It’s a fine line, because as I’ve outlined before, I used to be on the same page as them, theologically. And you’d think that that’d make their reaction easier to take, but it actually does the opposite; I wish I could show them how to open their minds and hearts and not be so mired in the rules of religion. Not only would it make things easier for me (and even though this IS about me, nothing is ever ONLY about me), but I also truly believe that they would be happier people.
My dad told me how devastated my mother is…but she doesn’t have to be! I’m HAPPY! This is a good thing for me! JS and I are in love and we want to be together. I want to come home to him each day. I want to wake up with him sleeping next to me. I want to be crabby to him when I’m PMS’ing. I want him to be crabby back when I take it too far (i.e. our date Friday night). I want to find out what kind of paper towels he prefers, and how he responds when I’m gassy (OK, to be fair, I already know this cause I’m almost always gassy). I want him to learn how deep my love for the Patrelli brothers is.
It’s like they’re choosing to be unhappy over this because that’s all they know how to be.
But beyond that….or maybe not “beyond” because this is where it comes back to being all about me…I want my parents to be happy that I’m happy. I didn’t have to tell them that I’m moving in with JS. I could’ve lied. I could’ve simply omitted the truth and told them that the mail at my apartment is wonky and they’d better send everything to me at work. I could’ve told them that I’m renting a room from someone. But I wanted to be honest. I wanted to share my happiness. I knew it would be hard. I knew they wouldn’t get it. But it was important to me to be open and tell them the truth. It was important to us.
Because it is US now. Not just me. John said it in my comments: JS and I are a family. We’re in this together. So it’s not just me that’s getting hurt. It’s JS, too. He’s on the receiving end of religious bigotry and it’s not fair. JS is a good person. Kind. Loving. Empathetic. He may not be a “born again, evangelical” Christian. But he knows God. He embraces a Higher Spirit. He loves mankind. I know I’m getting all mushy and new agey, but it’s true. And more importantly, he loves me. (And Tonks.)
So there’s that whole thing, the religious bigotry thing. And we’re both feeling the brunt of it. It’s not a matter of my happiness or my being an adult who can think for herself, it’s a matter of “being wrong.”
The other thing, the thing that IS about me and is much harder for me to talk about….is that they’re using last January, and my previous sexual abuse, as a tool. They’re saying that because of all I’ve “been through” (read: being raped by a family member for X number of years and then being raped AGAIN by a stranger last year), I’m “emotionally immature” and am deluding myself into thinking that this will work. That JS loves me. That I’m worth the effort…or whatever. The evidence for this is that, duh, I had a few emotional problems as a result of these events. I have PTSD (and yes, Wikipedia is my answer for everything). 10 years and nearly 2 months ago I attempted suicide. And OBVIOUSLY, the subsequent therapy and medications had no positive effect whatsoever and I am incapable of making rational decisions on my own.
The reason it breaks my heart so much is because my family was my biggest ally…a decade ago and one year ago. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And now, because I’m doing something that goes against their standards, it’s OK to use those horrible times as evidence against me in this false Celestial Court they’ve created.
So…yeah. I go back and forth. Sometimes it’s funny (I mean, c’MON! 10+ years of therapy and I’m emotionally immature!??!). And sometimes, like tonight, it kills me and I have to pull over on the highway because I can’t see through the tears.
I love my parents. I do. I respect their beliefs, even if I don’t agree with them. I don’t want to cause them pain. But I also have to respect myself and listen to my heart, even when it goes against them. And it can’t be said enough: I love JS, so very, very much, and I can’t wait to start a life with him - without all this shit hanging over us.
So there. I’ve made this very common event into a Very! Big! Deal! and probably alienated a few readers. But maybe there’s another woman out there going through the same thing, or maybe there’s a man who feels the same sort of unfounded dislike that JS must feel, and I hope that those people can find comfort in my story.
I will be am happy. And that happiness has everything to do with JS. And if I can find happiness after years of deep depression, self loathing, and an absolute CERTAINTY that the world is going to end THIS VERY SECOND OH MY FUCKING GOD, than so can anyone.
You just have to trust yourself. Trust your instinct. If you’re a Christian, trust that God will speak to you in that oh so quiet voice. If you’re not a Christian, listen to that whisper anyway. And 9 times out of 10, it’ll lead you in the right path.
I’m certain it’s worth the risk.
Technorati Tags: Relationships, Love, Moving In, Religion, Christianity, Family, PTSD
The thing is, love and relationships and taking these steps are ALWAYS risks, but the great thing about taking a risk is that we have our friends, family, and God to be there for us in case things don’t work the way we hope.
Well, we usually do. This is where your parents can shine! They KNOW that you know how they feel. It’s not a secret. They don’t have to remind you like this is news.
Why not support you anyway? Isn’t that what true friends and loved ones do? Support each other even when we make decisions the other doesn’t agree with?
Luckily, I do agree with you - but our friendship has taken it a step farther. I used to think I wouldn’t want to take this step, and when you announced you’d be taking it, rather than think differently of you, I started to think differently about living with someone!! That it still makes you family, and that it is still something that God looks on as a union.
So you never know how you are positively affecting someone when negative things are happening. And your parents will have to come around at some point. I mean, they can’t possibly get any angrier…
Parents can be deeply, profoundly stupid about things.
I had a thing a little while ago where I had to say something incredibly hurtful to my mother. I spent two days screwing up the courage, made it through the hour-long phonecall in which I said “This has to change, because I’m losing all respect for you” without cracking, then promptly went to the bar next door and got shitfaced.
But nothing changed. Everything I said was for nothing.
I cried for days. Why didn’t my unhappiness matter to her? Shouldn’t it have mattered? Why didn’t this make the difference? Could I have said it differently? Why didn’t she love me enough for my contempt to wound her enough into action? What was wrong with me?
On the plus side, this was the prompting I needed to get back into therapy… so, yeah, bright side.
The point being, your parents’ reaction here has nothing more to do with you than my mother’s reaction had to do with me. You can’t change them. Think of them as addicts, which they are — religious addicts. Addiction is 90% psychological (after all, you can tie someone to a bed for three days and all the physical withdrawal will end — but they’ll still want their drug). You can’t reason with addicts. They will always find a way to make it your fault. They will always find a way to justify their actions. And they won’t change until *they* realize there’s something wrong with their behavior, which you can’t do for them, which may never happen.
If you’re in therapy, I recommend staying there. It can really help you through shit like this.
Chin up. It sounds like JS is worth your parents’ disapproval, so you win in the end. But don’t let anyone convince you that it’s not horribly, wretchedly unfair that you have to choose between the two.
Oh, btw, love the new blog layout. Slick.
Your parents will come around. They may make a big deal about it for awhile, but they really love you and are going to eventually realize that having a good relationship with you is more important than any initial objections. Hang in there! It always sucks to get disapproval from family, I really think in the end their love for you will trump any disagreements they might have right now. It sounds like this is a really good relationship!
With JS that is.