Dramatic much?

I’m really quite alright over here. I had a bad day, on Tuesday, and I’m probably still a little hormonal from adjusting to birth control, but I’m OK. I actually considered deleting Tuesday’s post and pretending like it never happened. But I’m lazy, so thar’ she blows.

Yes, I’m broke. Who isn’t? I got emails and comments from people in the same boat. People just like me: late 20’s, single, childless, with decent incomes. People who are older and younger. Married. Pregnant. Mothers. It sucks ass that life is like this, but it is. And we all deal. I made some plans to be more fiscally responsible. Plans I can keep. So there’s something.

Plus, sometimes life’s just too expensive and you take help where you can get it. I’m lucky enough to have a loving person to help me, instead of ONLY relying on banks and credit agencies. I should be happy about this, not sad and teenage-angst ridden.

As far as the other? That thing I promised y’all I’d stop talking about?  That’s really OK, too. Yes, sometimes it’s hard and I get sad and cry. But it’s OK. I’m OK. Yesterday, actually, was really rough, and I ended up sobbing to JS for over an hour about just how horrid I felt about it all. There was something in the air, and it felt like the miscarriage happened days ago, rather than weeks. But, JS and I did talk. A lot. And it helped. A lot.

Maybe it’s because I’m not used to being in a mature, adult relationship, but I was surprised at how theraputic it was to just ramble on and on about my feelings, and have someone else listen attentively, saying nothing more than “It’ll be OK,” or “I don’t mind that your nose is making snot bubbles, really, just let it out.”  We talked about all the things that happen, internally and externally, that contribute to That Thing  being such an emotional ordeal…and how letting it be a Big Deal is GOOD and NORMAL and GOD, Lady, just give yourself a fucking break!  But also, we talked about how we’re doing, as a couple. How we’re helping each other; how it’s good to be there for each other through the shitty times as much as through the good times.

We also talked about what’s next. When we might start to entertain thoughts of tiny little socks and tiny little feet that can fit, wholly, into your mouth. And before he could say “please don’t eat my imaginary baby,” I felt 100% better. Because I’d had an adult conversation about my feelings, and someone had listened to me and responded positively to my feelings. And we came up with a “game plan,” as much as one can for life.  No, I won’t tell you what it is, because I’m incredibly superstitious.  And also because it’s fun to have secrets.

Even though the grief is near; even though nothing will replace the life that almost was, but wasn’t,  I’m letting myself feel excited about what the future holds…uncertain as it may be.

Technorati Tags: Relationships, Life, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

I had such a nice weekend. Relaxing. Low key. Somewhat productive but more frivolous. I did nothing other than spend time with my two favorite beings (JS and Tonks) and spend some selfish quiet time reading or spacing out in front of Guitar Hero.

And yet. (Why is there always an “and yet?”) Here I am. Tuesday night of a 4 day week. And all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry “do over!” Today didn’t go like I had planned. Like I had hoped. And the worst part of it all is that I know 90% of it is in my own damn head.

Work was frustrating, for very dull and work related reasons - nothing dramatic. People were crabby. I got crabby. Software didn’t work. I didn’t know the answers. I tried to help people, and offended others while doing it. Just your typical workday-blues. The kind that I normally shrug off and say “fuck it, I can just do what I can do.” But today it got to me. It got under my skin, and I feel silly that it got under my skin.

JS and I carpooled today, and after work we stopped at Vons to get some dinner supplies (veggie skewers, yummy!). With very little extravagance (a few $.88 bottles of water, and some on sale bacon), and the bill was just under $80. For food that won’t see us through dinner tomorrow night.

While going through the mail, I got a delinquent notice from the DMV for my car tags. A $95 late fee. And this is the first time I’ve gotten a bill from them. The same thing happened last year, too. No notice, and then as soon as my tags are expired, they slap me with a fee. I also got a notice from Discover Card. I had replied to one of their 0% APR offers, one I was pre-approved for, having done business with this particular bank before. So I applied, thinking I’d transfer over my MC bill at the lower rate. And they didn’t meet my request. So instead of transferring my one credit card, I just got a new one. That I don’t need or want. Because I know myself. I’ll use it someday, and then forget that I used it until I have to pay the bill. And I won’t have the money for it.

Which brings me to the crux of the matter. I’m feeling incredibly down on myself for all this financial shit that’s going on. I hate that I’m almost 30, and I’m still broke (no, scratch that, OVERDRAWN) before each paycheck. How is that even possible? (And yes, I know that I just wrote about our brand new PS3, but actually, JS bought it, and it’s from an upcoming contract of mine for screenwriting; and yes, I DO realize I’m being incredibly defensive.) My living expenses are less with JS than they were on my own. My student loans were in deferment for a while, thanks to being a full time grad student. I don’t have a new car, or a new computer, or a new iPod, for that matter. It’s just me, being irresponsible.

I know I’m not alone here. The economy sucks. Food and gas are insanely expensive.  My situation isn’t unique….except, what I hate, what I loathe, is this feeling that I’m so incredibly financially dependent on JS. I feel like I don’t pull my weight. That I’m a burden. That we’re not equal. And no, money is NOT the most important thing in a relationship, but it can be a big stressor.  I want to be doing my part. And I just can’t seem to get it together right now.

JS, of course, never ever makes me feel as though I’m a financial drain.  He laughs at that sort of statement. It all equals out in the end, he says. And yes, he’s right. But right now? In this moment? It’s the way things are. I rely on him….for more than love and support. And that’s a tough bit of pride to swallow. It shouldn’t, in any way, effect my self worth, but it does.

Aside from those thrilling financial woes, I still miss being pregnant. I’m sure it’s not a shock to anyone out there. I am doing much better than I was a few weeks ago, much better. I’m OK. It’s just…I’m sad. I want to be staring in the mirror, searching for a bump that’s not bloat related. I want to be researching consumer reports on strollers and car seats. To be checking out different brands of cloth diapers.  I want to be dreaming about babies, and not waking up  miserable because I know it’s not going to happen. Not right now, at least.

And until I can get my bank statement to consistently remain on the + side of things, that’s probably the way it should stay.

Technorati Tags: Life, Relationships, Finances, Miscarriage

I also saw Indiana Jones today!!!! So fun. Very much in line with the original 3. If you haven’t already, go see it NOW! (Or, you know, whenever. I don’t want to be demanding.)

How was everyone’s weekend? Good? All sobered up, again? No? Well, it’ll come soon enough, just relax, and be sure to drink lots of water and take some Vitamin-C…just trust me, it works.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes. I suppose I shouldn’t presume that all of y’all had a long weekend. When I worked at Camp, the only day I was guaranteed not to work was Christmas Day. Maybe Christmas Eve, too. But the rest of them, yep, I was there. Working away. It sucked ass. Especially that one year when I made all of the parents and kids their own Easter Baskets and didn’t get a single flipping tip (but the week after made up for it, when I had a team from New York; I made more in tips than I did from working. It RAWKED!) Anyway, the point is…I don’t know what the point is.

So here’s what I did this weekend:

• (You’ve missed the bullets, haven’t you?)
• Had a delish veggie and goat cheese pizza…delivered during a SoCal “storm” (it was gray and drizzly; this means people on the freeway freak the fuck out cuz “OH MAH GOD THE SKY IS FALLING!”)
• FINALLY unpacked the boxes from my move to JS’s place. I know, I know. It’s been weeks…months, maybe (I don’t actually remember, since I lived here long before I moved in)
• Napped
• Got past the slump of Harry’s bad attitude and read a few hundred pages of Harry Potter 5
• Ate sushi
• BOUGHT A PS3 AND GUITAR HERO
• Beat level 1 of Guitar Hero
• Got stumped on level 2, threw a temper tantrum and scared the dog
• Drank wine
• Drank sake
• More wine
• Practiced Medium Level of Guitar Hero
• Watched 5 consecutive episodes of The West Wing season 1 (LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE) (LOOOOOOOVE)
• I’m sure I napped again at some point
• Played with Photoshop check out Daily Picture - they’re pretty cool, if I do say so myself
• Did laundry
• Washed bathroom floors
• Wine again
• Also, Guitar Hero again
• Tonight there shall be more wine, and more West Wing

I think that about sums it up. JS and I have realized how terrible we’ve become at consuming produce. We’re like carb addicts right now, so this summer will become the summer of grilled veggies, methinks. Also, more wine = increased need to get off my ASS AND EXERCISE. Or maybe I’ll just get Dance Dance Revolution and call it even.

Tonks is still the World’s Cutest Dog and has napped on my chest every night since Thursday.

Hope you all had fun. Back to your regular programming later.