I had such a nice weekend. Relaxing. Low key. Somewhat productive but more frivolous. I did nothing other than spend time with my two favorite beings (JS and Tonks) and spend some selfish quiet time reading or spacing out in front of Guitar Hero.
And yet. (Why is there always an “and yet?”) Here I am. Tuesday night of a 4 day week. And all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry “do over!” Today didn’t go like I had planned. Like I had hoped. And the worst part of it all is that I know 90% of it is in my own damn head.
Work was frustrating, for very dull and work related reasons - nothing dramatic. People were crabby. I got crabby. Software didn’t work. I didn’t know the answers. I tried to help people, and offended others while doing it. Just your typical workday-blues. The kind that I normally shrug off and say “fuck it, I can just do what I can do.” But today it got to me. It got under my skin, and I feel silly that it got under my skin.
JS and I carpooled today, and after work we stopped at Vons to get some dinner supplies (veggie skewers, yummy!). With very little extravagance (a few $.88 bottles of water, and some on sale bacon), and the bill was just under $80. For food that won’t see us through dinner tomorrow night.
While going through the mail, I got a delinquent notice from the DMV for my car tags. A $95 late fee. And this is the first time I’ve gotten a bill from them. The same thing happened last year, too. No notice, and then as soon as my tags are expired, they slap me with a fee. I also got a notice from Discover Card. I had replied to one of their 0% APR offers, one I was pre-approved for, having done business with this particular bank before. So I applied, thinking I’d transfer over my MC bill at the lower rate. And they didn’t meet my request. So instead of transferring my one credit card, I just got a new one. That I don’t need or want. Because I know myself. I’ll use it someday, and then forget that I used it until I have to pay the bill. And I won’t have the money for it.
Which brings me to the crux of the matter. I’m feeling incredibly down on myself for all this financial shit that’s going on. I hate that I’m almost 30, and I’m still broke (no, scratch that, OVERDRAWN) before each paycheck. How is that even possible? (And yes, I know that I just wrote about our brand new PS3, but actually, JS bought it, and it’s from an upcoming contract of mine for screenwriting; and yes, I DO realize I’m being incredibly defensive.) My living expenses are less with JS than they were on my own. My student loans were in deferment for a while, thanks to being a full time grad student. I don’t have a new car, or a new computer, or a new iPod, for that matter. It’s just me, being irresponsible.
I know I’m not alone here. The economy sucks. Food and gas are insanely expensive. My situation isn’t unique….except, what I hate, what I loathe, is this feeling that I’m so incredibly financially dependent on JS. I feel like I don’t pull my weight. That I’m a burden. That we’re not equal. And no, money is NOT the most important thing in a relationship, but it can be a big stressor. I want to be doing my part. And I just can’t seem to get it together right now.
JS, of course, never ever makes me feel as though I’m a financial drain. He laughs at that sort of statement. It all equals out in the end, he says. And yes, he’s right. But right now? In this moment? It’s the way things are. I rely on him….for more than love and support. And that’s a tough bit of pride to swallow. It shouldn’t, in any way, effect my self worth, but it does.
Aside from those thrilling financial woes, I still miss being pregnant. I’m sure it’s not a shock to anyone out there. I am doing much better than I was a few weeks ago, much better. I’m OK. It’s just…I’m sad. I want to be staring in the mirror, searching for a bump that’s not bloat related. I want to be researching consumer reports on strollers and car seats. To be checking out different brands of cloth diapers. I want to be dreaming about babies, and not waking up miserable because I know it’s not going to happen. Not right now, at least.
And until I can get my bank statement to consistently remain on the + side of things, that’s probably the way it should stay.
Technorati Tags: Life, Relationships, Finances, Miscarriage
My grandmother once sat me down and told me, “There ain’t never a good time to have babies. You cain’t never afford ‘em. So best have ‘em when you still like ‘em.”
And as you know, my complete empathy on the finances.
I truly hate money. It’s to the point that I hate HAVING money, because I’m so used to seeing it fly out the window to pay for rent (which I never see again, since I can’t afford to own), car repairs (for my POS car which I can’t afford to replace), debt to my parents (which is obscenely high, but no APR, thank God), and credit cards (same issue, WITH APR).
Emily, I so feel you right now. Yes, money doesn’t matter, yes, he loves you for you, etc. It still sucks to have to constantly rely on someone else for things that adults are supposed to take care of themselves (aren’t we??). At least you get sex from the equation. I just get parental guilt.
Can’t we move to some utopia where no one spends money, and we all just trade giant stone blocks in exchange for goats?
Places like that usually get bombed by the Pentagon.
Ha! Still, sounds better than this.